


I adore everything about you but I love you endlessly

by the_milky_way



Series: 25 Days of Buck and Eddie [25]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 25 Days of Fic, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck is dealing with his past, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Cuddling, Developing Relationship, Eddie Diaz Loves Evan "Buck" Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley Loves Eddie Diaz, Hurt Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Idiots in Love, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Major Canon Events still happen, POV Evan "Buck" Buckley, Post-Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Prompt Fic, Protective Maddie Buckley, Worried Eddie Diaz, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Maddie Buckley, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28327935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_milky_way/pseuds/the_milky_way
Summary: Waking up in Eddie’s arms midday after their night spent together is something Buck has a hard time processing. It’s not bad, just a lot. He feels sore in ways he hasn’t in years. Depleted of all nervous energy, satisfied to the core and as stupid as it sounds in his head, appreciated for maybe the first time in over a year.or:Buck addresses some of his insecurities, gets to talk to Maddie along the way and has to deal with Eddie being buried 40 feet underground.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: 25 Days of Buck and Eddie [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036098
Comments: 21
Kudos: 164





	I adore everything about you but I love you endlessly

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt for Day 25:
> 
> "Kiss"
> 
> and Buck talking to Maddie about feelings
> 
> Last part of the "Hate to Love"-Series.

Waking up in Eddie’s arms midday after their night spent together is something Buck has a hard time processing. It’s not bad, just a lot. He feels sore in ways he hasn’t in years. Depleted of all nervous energy, satisfied to the core and as stupid as it sounds in his head, appreciated for maybe the first time in over a year. 

Eddie looks cute like this, all sprawled out over Buck’s mattress, cover slipped down to his waist, arm possessively draped over Buck’s chest. It’s like he’s claiming a place at Buck’s side, maybe even in Buck’s life that has been vacant even before Abby. Eddie fits into the mold that was left behind a decade ago. 

Buck blinks, forces himself not to go there. If he did, he’d start questioning everything that happened last night and he’s not willing to do that any longer. Eddie came to him. Eddie wanted to be here. And Buck’s pretty sure once he wakes up he’ll still want to be here. So Buck tells his mind to shut up for once and enjoys the afterglow, the chance of actually getting to know Eddie Diaz.

Buck slides closer to Eddie then, burrows against the spaces left open by the way Eddie is lying. His heart pounds with excitement, anticipation of what will happen when Eddie wakes. He smiles at the soft snuffle, the little snore that is only just audible. Buck basks in the feeling of having someone in his bed again, someone that isn’t fleeting - or so he hopes at least. He revels in the closeness to another human being and reaches out to trace along Eddie’s shoulder to make sure this is actually real.

To think of all the lost chances because of something he misunderstood, because of him not asking for clarification, is mortifying and really fucking sad at the same time. He wonders if they could have been good had they had the opportunity.

“Your thoughts are loud,” Eddie mumbles into the pillow, low and amused. 

It makes Buck jump in surprise anyway. He had been so caught up in scenarios of what ifs that he hadn’t sensed Eddie’s breathing change.

“Sorry?” There isn’t much he can say. And other than to vomit all his thoughts onto Eddie he's lost for words. And that surely would not be the best way for them to start their day after everything.

“No. Don’t be. I’ve had half the night already to think. To wonder about all the missed chances for us. Had months even.”

It’s a bit like Eddie knows his mind now. Buck’s pretty sure it’s due to their unique situation - so similar thoughts aren’t that surprising after all. Not when they are dealing with the same things. So Buck doesn’t say anything and moves in to kiss Eddie. A simple kind of hello, of acknowledging what has happened. And because he can. 

The laugh that escapes him when Eddie actually pulls him into a tight embrace and nuzzles his neck in a playful manner feels genuine. Feels freeing, too. When Eddie doesn’t seem in any hurry to get up and get going, Buck just thinks to hell with it and uses the chance presented. And it is so easy to let himself fall - to get lost in languid kisses, in exploring touches and words of appreciation.

+++

Later, sitting at Buck’s kitchen island, cups of coffee between their hands and finished take out containers strewn over the surface, Buck thinks they should talk. Get everything out in the open and figure out what they want to do now. You know, like what are they now? Do they want others to know? Do they take a step back and try to be friends first? What are his feelings exactly? Eddie sort of bowled him over yesterday. Buck looks up from the brown depths of his coffee cup. It's almost instinct already to seek out those other warm denpths he’s found himself getting lost in a lot in the recent hours.

Eddie’s checking his phone, a soft smile that tells Buck it’s another reassuring message from his abuela. Eddie already cleared when to get Chris later. Even talked to his son and made sure he slept well and nightmare-free. Buck thought he couldn’t sink further into infatuation but he’s been wrong about that. Like he was and probably still is about many things. 

Talking suddenly doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore. Talking leads to realizations, which usually lead to Buck ending up alone again. But he’s so damn tired of being alone, of feeling so fucking lonely all the time that he considers keeping quiet and letting Eddie make all the decisions. Maybe that’s the way to go? Step back and go along with it? Clearly, voicing his opinions or his wants hasn’t worked in his favor in the past.

“Buck?”

Buck looks up and finds Eddie watching him, eyes a little concerned - as if that hadn’t been the first time he called his name. Probably wasn’t. Buck knows his mind can be a maze where he easily gets lost in and has trouble finding a way out again. He just hopes Eddie learns to not take it personally.

“Got lost again?”

How does he do that? How can Eddie know how Buck’s mind works when they’ve only ever talked on a superficially level? 

“Evan, I have been watching you for almost a year now. I know you get lost in thoughts sometimes. And I also know your brain’s awesome. So whatever has you all caught up in there must be really important to you. And I want to hear it.”

So maybe Eddie does know more about him then. But Buck’s sort of stunned by the use of his given name. How it puts emphasis on the words that followed. Also, how he doesn’t mind Eddie using it. Well, two can do that. Good thing he overheard Chim asking Eddie about his name right at the beginning. Learned that Eddie hated being called Diaz, too close to home and to memories of a time Eddie doesn’t like to be reminded off.

“Alright, Edmundo. Guess we should talk then?”

The smile he gets makes his breath hitch. It’s wondrous and warm, showing that Eddie’s actually feeling good right now. Something Buck has realized doesn’t show too often, at least not when Eddie isn’t with Christopher. To think he was sure he hated Eddie just a few months prior makes him feel colosally stupid now. 

Eddie is just sittent here, though, waiting for him to start, watches him silently and patiently. He is giving Buck all the outs he might need or want and Buck’s heart thuds at that thought alone. He’s grateful, too. Eddie is still here and Eddie will listen.

“This… This isn’t a one time thing, right?” 

Silence reigns, which has Buck anxiously spinning the cup around on the islan'd top. It’s only when Eddie reaches out and gently puts his hand on Buck’s that he looks up. Eddie smiles then, as if he was waiting for Buck to simply just do that - look at him.

“No, Buck, it’s not. As I said yesterday, let’s figure it out together. If you actually want to try and build something with a veteran suffering from PTSD, who has a special needs kid and who’s really bad at talking about feelings, that is.” Eddie is still smiling, a little rueful but still holding onto Buck’s hand over his coffee cup.

And Buck only thinks that yes he does. So he lets go of the cup, turns his hand and makes his fingers slot in between Eddie’s. It’s how they sit for a while. Looking at each other, thinking about where they want to go from here.

“Day by day, right? Just us for now and we’ll see how it goes? ‘Cause Eddie, I really just want a chance with you, a chance at getting to know you. And that really just without any kind of input from outside. At least for now. Because the majority of what I know about you comes from others.”

“Day by day sounds good to me.”

As easy as it sounds Buck is aware that it’s going to be a lot of work. Especially for him. Getting rid of the preconceived views he’s had of Eddie for such a long time will take a while. But he thinks he might actually have a chance with this man now.

“But you know, you can come over and ravish me any time you want.”

Eddie’s deep laughter fills his loft with sound and Buck is beginning to appreciate how it makes this place seem more lived in, more like a home.

+++

It’s of course not all rainbows and sunshine after. They simply don’t know enough about each other to smooth into a relationship from almost nothing. Buck is overwhelmed by the barrage of feelings and the magnitude of them. And his lingering insecurities as well as Maddie’s constant hovering aren’t exactly helping either. He doesn’t know why Maddie is on the fence around him and what that is all about. But he lets it go for a while, simply too engrossed in Eddie and the way the other man actually manages to bring Buck out of his self-imposed shell of the last year.

He spends time with Eddie. He spends time with Eddie and Chris. Christopher takes to Buck like they’ve been old friends meeting again. He includes Buck in everything that interests him and gives Buck something other to look forward to than just being with Eddie. Not that being with Eddie doesn’t fill him with a welcomed warmth, with a feeling of belonging - because it certainly does. But having Christopher there as well adds a new layer to everything, makes him think about a future that doesn’t sound too impossible any longer.

And slowly, in the weeks following his first night with Eddie, he starts spending more time with the rest of his crew of the 118 again as well. It had already changed after Eddie explained the misunderstanding, after the truck. But the tsunami and Bobby actually realizing his way to deal with things wasn’t the healthiest one, sort of broke the ice that had been drifting between Buck and everyone else since Eddie’s first day.

They don’t change much in their behavior when they are at work. If their co-workers or friends actually realize that him and Eddie are even more of a team lately, no one says anything. They keep their talks casual, still too used to the way things were before. They aren’t touching or affectionate at all. It’s not like Buck craves it or anything but a few weeks in he realizes that he misses it - the casual touches Eddie uses on him outside of work. He snorts at first when Eddie flat out tells him that he is touch-starved but quickly lets go of his denial when Eddie admits to knowing the feeling just too well. 

Then Buck finally gets to push Eddie against a wall in his loft and fuck him stupid. So there is that. They actually christen every available surface in Buck’s loft and some in Eddie’s house as well. It’s like they can’t keep their hands off of each other now they are allowed to touch. Wild and carefree changes to tender and caring. It’s the best sex Buck’s had in years and the most loving one he’s had in ever. 

He’s sore in good places, hides it through being less talkative again at work. It doesn’t register with most of his colleagues but Hen, Chim and Bobby actually ask if he's okay. He can barely hide his blush when he says he is and vows vengeance when he sees Eddie trying not to burst with suppressed laughter. They go at it every chance they have, when they aren’t holed up somewhere and talk their souls out. 

But having regular sex sort of calms his seperation anxiety somewhat. Having Eddie as a sounding board for his thoughts, wants and wishes is so completely new to him that Buck sometimes just stops and stares. Not even Abby went out of her way for him like this. So maybe Eddie needs him, too. To talk to, to get reaffirmation from. Like it’s a two-way street, one that Buck’s learning to navigate. 

+++

Things with Maddie come to a head when he accidentally lets it slip that he now has a standing invitation to Eddie’s abuela’s sunday family dinner. He’s only been there twice. Once to be introduced to Isabel and Peppa properly and not between comings and goings at the station or at Eddie’s place when they get Christopher for a sleepover. Once because Isabel insisted on Buck coming so she could introduce him to proper and healthy food. It had made Buck laugh, especially the outraged look on Eddie’s face at the insinuation that Eddie was poisoning Buck with his cooking skills or rather with the lack thereof. 

So when he lets it slip and Maddie doesn’t look all too happy about it Buck can’t hold back any longer.

“What exactly is your problem?”

“What do you mean?” Maddie is usually better at feigning innocence so this actually must be something she has been stewing on for a while now.

“Why are you so nervous about me making connections? Having friends? Knowing people?” Because that’s what it actually feels like to him. She’s never outright said anything, only ever told him to move on from Abby. But now that he is, she doesn’t seem to like the way he is doing it.

“I am not. I’m just worried about you. And getting close to Eddie like this… to his family even. I don’t think you are ready for that.”

“Mads, this is my life. I am actually old enough to make decisions about whom I want to be with or not.” 

“Evan, you spent the last year mostly depressed and grieving Abby. And I know you are crushing on Eddie. But that’s bound to be a rebound and I can’t imagine it being good for you. I also don’t think you are over Sam at all.”

She sounds so absolutely sure that Buck feels like she slapped him. Having his issues thrown into his face so casually hurts. Especially from her. She’s been gone from his life for a long time and has only been back for a year. He loves Maddie but sometimes he thinks she doesn’t know him at all. Even less than Eddie ever did before they went and became something.

Buck puts the fork down, not wanting to hold onto something when he feels himself getting angry. He places his plate on the coffee table, done with food, not tasting anything anyway and sinks back into the couch. He’s seething, angry at her audacity and assumptions about his state of mind. She isn’t all wrong but still, she never even actually asked him how he was. How he is.

He’s holding back, though, always in mind that Maddie’s past is just as fucked up as his own, maybe a little more so. He watches her pouring another glass of red wine, wonders briefly if he should have one, too and dismisses the thought instantly again. He doesn’t want to be angry and drunk. 

This was supposed to be a brother-sister-evening. With both Chim and Eddie at work, they actually had time for each other after weeks of being too busy. Right now Buck is feeling like this is turning into a drama he’s not ready for. 

“Okay. Yes, the last year has been anything but easy. I give you that. And there might have been depressive episodes, which considering everything that happened, isn’t all that surprising. But that’s not all and I need you to listen. Just please listen to me. Can you do that?”

Buck is watching his sister, sees numerous emotions moving across her face and then settle into some kind of resigned curiosity. Well, that’s better than anger he supposes. She takes a sip of her wine, holds the glass close to her like some kind of shield and nods.

“Thank you. Being hung up on Abby… I was for a while. She was important to me. But then, it became the easiest way to deal with things. Grieving what we had. I could blame my moods on it, could hide behind it even when I already knew it was all over. I did wait for her. For a little while. After that, it was a crutch of some sort. I don't even know how to explain it… but Eddie… just that first day. I knew. Don’t ask me how but I knew I wanted. Him mostly. But something with him, too. And that badly.”

With a look at his empty glass Buck decides that he now does need wine for this. Fuck being drunk. He can call Eddie later if he needs a ride home. They’ll be off-shift before midnight. And Carla is taking care of Chris. So he gets up, pours himself a glass, doesn’t dare to look at his sister and settles down on the other end of the couch across from her.

“But you know… it was too much to deal with. So I settled on hate. I actually hated Eddie for a while there. But not for him being the perfect version of someone I wanted to desperately be. I hated him because I couldn’t hate myself enough for being this goddamn petty and jealous and still wanting him all the time.”

Maddie is staring at him, as if she’s only now figuring out the whole extent of what Buck’s been dealing with. He almost snorts, because there’s more to come and he’s not sure Maddie is ready for that.

“I’m not sure if Chim ever told you… On Eddie’s first day I walked in on him and Chim talking. Thought it was about me. How self-absorbed huh? Exactly what Sam hated about me. But it wasn’t about me at all. It was a misunderstanding. And they didn’t even know. Thing is, because of that I thought Eddie didn’t like me. So on top of wanting him from the first second I also thought I had no chance. As in ever. I didn’t even try to be his friend after that. It hurt too much.”

He lets it sit there, between them. The words linger in the air, waiting to be processed and Buck’s feeling exhausted already. It’s not all there is to say, though. But he’ll wait for Maddie to ask what she needs to before he goes on. And she doesn’t disappoint.

“That’s why you withdrew from the team, too.” She doesn’t so much ask as making it a statement. Buck nods, sighs and takes a sip of the wine that is a little too bitter for his taste but serves the purpose of numbing his nerves.

He has had this conversation once already. With Eddie. He knows Eddie’s point of view on this entire tale of a misunderstanding. Knows that the team had tried to include him a lot at the beginning only for him to not realize it. He’d been so caught up in his own misery of grieving Abby still and wanting Eddie like he'd never wanted anybody before, that he couldn’t see the effort they had put in. He only saw them stop trying.

“Yeah. I sort of thought, if they still saw me as the idiot I used to be, nothing I could do would change it. So I stopped trying. Got me away from Eddie, too.”

“Oh Evan. They all thought you were just too deep into your Abby-shaped hole, not wanting to realize it was over. I did, too. And I never asked. I’m so sorry. I should have.” She places her glass on the coffee table, lets go of her shield so to speak and pulls Buck into a hug. He’s missed these kinds of hugs, comfortable and full of love. No judgement.

“I don’t know if I was ready to talk. But Mads, things have changed now. I… I am ready to try again. Because even if you think I’m not, I know this has been there for over a year and it’s not a rebound. It’s so much more than whatever I had with Abby. I grew up. Hell, I even went and talked to a therapist about Sam. How he left me and then got himself killed the same day. Yes, it still sucks. Yes, it will always sort of influence my relationships. But Eddie is… different. I want to say he’s everything, but it’s way too soon for that.”

“Does he know?” 

“About Sam? Not yet.”

“But you want to tell him,” she says, not patronising but actually asking this time around. Buck smiles at her and sinks into her arms when she pulls him into another hug.

“I do. We are finally getting to know each other now. Maybe went about it in an unconventional way but I like what we have. Maddie, sometimes it’s really hard not to blame myself for all the missed chances. We could have been best friends or something. But he makes it so easy to forget that, to take the chances we have now and run with them.”

She is smiling at him when he draws back, knowingly and happy, too. He hadn’t planned on telling her and hopes Eddie is okay with it. Doubt flashes through him for a millisecond, gets crushed by his confidence that Eddie will be fine with Maddie knowing.

“When did this happen?” Now she sounds curious, like the big sister she is and how Buck needs her to be. 

“A week after the tsunami. He... well, he kissed me and then demanded I stop almost dying in his arms.” Buck isn’t sure if the wine is helping with the flush on his cheeks or if it’s really because of remembering Eddie rushing into his place and basically mauling him. He ducks his head when Maddie actually giggles at him. 

Then she sobers up and grabs his hand.

“He saved your life back then. And I’m sorry I kept him away. I thought… I saw how you were around him. I didn’t think it would help… Having him around. But it would have?”

“Maybe. Can’t say for sure. Wasn’t hating him anymore but we weren’t friends or anything. But when he came rushing, taking action because he was worried… it shifted something between us. We are working on it.”

“I am glad. Really glad. And I am sorry if you ever thought I wasn’t supporting you. I made some wrong choices but I’ll always be there for you. I promise.”

Buck will never admit to shedding any tears and if then he’ll blame the wine. But he’s more than a little tipsy when he does end up calling Eddie for a ride. He’s wrapped up in strong arms when he hears Maddie apologize to Eddie as well. Something Buck hadn’t even thought necessary but realizes that it was when Eddie genuinely thanks her. 

+++

Buck’s happy or getting there. 

Building something with a man he never believed to be by his side one day. Finding a family. A place where he belongs. Buck’s content, looking forward to more things to explore. Until he isn’t.

Because Eddie gets buried under 40 feet of mud and water. 

The way Buck loses it is telling. Telling in the worst possible way. He sees Bobby stare at him in utter surprise after he’s pried Buck away from clawing at the ground. He hears Hen gasp in horror when she looks into his eyes. He feels Chim’s hand on his shoulder trying to lend reassurance when there is none to give. He knows his heart is breaking when his team can’t answer his silent pleas for a wonder.

No one dares to speak about it, though. They don’t openly ask him what’s going on, why he suddenly seems to be desperate for Eddie to come back when he was so dead set on disliking him. No one wants to know why he can’t stop sobbing like he’s about to lose his own life. Which it feels like he is. It’s happening all over again. 

Only this time, the man dying hasn’t left him yet. The man dying is still Buck’s for the time being and it hurts so much worse than losing someone who had already left him. It’s the pain he felt a decade ago bug tenfold. Because now he knows what it feels like to really be loved, even if they haven’t said it yet.

The team keeps him halfway sane with mundane tasks and words about how they aren’t giving up. Buck wants to believe them, wants to grab on and hold tight. The planning of Eddie’s rescue flies by him in a fog of desperation, exhaustion and mental numbness. 

His chest feels tight, a searing ache settled in so deep that he has trouble breathing. And he thinks if Eddie doesn’t make it, he wants to die as well. He isn’t even scared by that thought. It drags, the time until they actually get going and the pain spreading through him. The numbness that follows is a blessing. He’s barely aware of everyone around him keeping an eye on him, unsure of how to deal with him like this.

Buck’s pretty sure he is close to being in a catatonic state, shock setting in. He doesn’t care much, only wants to be doing something. Something that makes him feel useful and might actually help Eddie. He’s not giving up. Not yet. He just doesn’t have the energy for more than following orders.

And then Buck thinks someone up there must have heard his prayers. Eddie’s voice, weak and exhausted, filters through the fog when he least expects it. He almost goes down to his knees when his eyes find Eddie’s. Buck’s by his side first, grabs on to him with the intention of never letting go again.

His heart is pounding hard, painfully almost. Thoughts are so tangled and mismatched that he’s barely able to utter any coherent words. But he hears what Eddie says, about a date on Friday, about wanting to come home to his family. To Chris. To Buck. 

No one even tries to get Buck out of the ambulance and on the truck. No one asks him not to go to the hospital with Eddie. No one questions the way Eddie’s clinging to Buck’s hand - just as hard as Buck is holding on to Eddie. No one blinks, when Buck calls in sick the next day and the day after. 

+++

Buck ends one of the most grueling shifts of his entire career in the LAFD with being asked to stay. Eddie asks. Eddie wants him to stay and spend the rest of the day and maybe even the following night with him. If he hadn’t been so exhausted and emotionally drained, Buck would have found it cute, the way Eddie is all shy about it. 

Carla doesn’t so much as smirk when Buck’s the one bringing Eddie home after earlier morning hours and breakfast spent in a hospital room. She stays, too, just to make sure everyone is taken care off and Chris gets to school in time.

They don’t do much, just have a bite to eat and a few glasses of water before both of them are desperate for the bed and each other’s arms. They cling with a strength they shouldn’t have left. They hold on tight and fall asleep with only an inch or two between them. No one wakes them for hours. No phone, no knocks, no enthusiastic kid running into the room. So they sleep on. They hold each other and sleep. 

When Buck wakes he doesn’t let go. Neither does Eddie. The room is tinted in warm sunlight through the halfway closed curtains. It clashes with their mood so starkly that Buck hides from it against Eddie’s skin. When Eddie speaks, about the cave, about being trapped and what brought him back, what made him fight, Buck presses his face against a strong heartbeat and lets his tears run freely.

Buck’s not capable of thinking coherent thoughts for a while after they have both been awake for a bit. The house is quiet, telling them that either Carla took Chris out or that he’s still in school. Buck has his hand buried under Eddie’s shirt, fingers splayed over his heart, needing to feel it. Just thinking about how close he came to lose that, to lose Eddie makes him choke up, not able to suppress the sobs any longer.

He feels Eddie’s hot tears dropping on to his forehead where they are pressed together. Feels Eddie's breath hitch and his chest expand with the need to exhale. They cry silently, not ugly or loud, and hold each other through it, too. Eddie’s hand is buried in Buck’s hair, the other holding on to Buck’s arm - tight enough that Buck feels grounded. They both need this and he knows they won’t let go for a while.

Eddie breaks the silence some time later, with a soft chuckle and a low voice.

“In the hospital, when Hen actually kidnapped you to get drinks… Chim actually asked if we’ve been fucking this entire time and you pretending to hate me was us hiding.”

Buck's sobs turn into a half-choked laugh then.

“Might be the best way to explain it all. I… lost my head. Spectacularly.”

“Yeah. I was told,” Eddie sighs a kiss into Buck’s hair, squeezes him where his hand is now resting around Buck’s shoulders.

Buck isn’t sure if this is the right moment to come clean. If Eddie is in the right mind to actually hear it. He needs to be able to look at Eddie for this. So he moves, rearranges them in a way that has them on their sides, legs tangled, arms still holding each other but with their heads on the pillow and eyes locked. Buck entangles their fingers, brings them closer to his chest and holds on.

“I’m not sure, this is the right time. But I… I think I need to tell you something. It might help explain why I lost it. Why I sort of hated you in the beginning. But if you… if you need something else now, I won’t. Just tell me, Eddie. I want to be there for you.”

Eddie watches him for a while, stays silent long enough that Buck starts to think that they are too exhausted, too drained for this. He doesn’t want to be selfish, doesn’t want to burden Eddie with his trauma. Doesn’t want Eddie to decide that this is too much and leave. And he wants to smack himself for just thinking this. 

Eddie wouldn’t, Buck knows this. It’s still sometimes hard to grasp that he isn’t alone any longer. That Eddie won’t just up and leave, that he has to and can trust Eddie with this.

“What time’s better than the now? If it’s part of your story, I wanna listen,” is what Eddie says before moving in to kiss Buck slowly, purposefully, lovingly. They almost wouldn’t have been able to do that again. Too close of a call and Buck thinks Eddie is right. 

“When Shannon died, I wanted to come to you. Be there for you. I wanted to tell you that I know how it is to lose someone you love. I just never knew how to do it, how to talk to you and having you actually believe me. Back then I still thought you didn’t like me.”

Eddie smiles, reassuringly even though he looks exhausted and close to falling asleep again. But then he raises his hand from underneath Buck’s and gently strokes the side of Buck’s face, cups it after and lets his thumb rest on the cheekbone. Eddie’s somehow holding him even closer this way. Buck’s fingers twist in Eddie’s shirt, needing to find warm, alive skin to touch before he can continue.

“When I was 18, I had a boyfriend. It was real, for me at least. I was so gone on him that I followed him to college. It was all I ever wanted back then. I… I never realized it wasn’t for him. He.. Sam… Sam was mixed up with some things I didn’t know about. Mostly drugs. One day, at the end of our first year… he just broke up with me. Told me I was too clingy, too boring. Told me to fuck off. Then he went to a party and killed himself that very same day. ODed.”

Buck doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Eddie’s thumb is swiping the tears away, until Eddie’s lips are cleaning up their tracks on his skin. It’s such a loving gesture that Buck cries a little harder. He lets himself be manhandled by Eddie so that they are tangled up even more, with his head on Eddie’s shoulder again and Eddie’s fingers carding through his hair soothingly. Eddie never says a word, though, waits for Buck to tell it all, to talk himself out.

Buck loves him. Not only for that patience, that kind of understanding but for everything else as well. Buck loves Eddie in a simple and in a very complicated way. Buck has loved Eddie since the very first time he has laid eyes on him and knew. He just knew. He just never thought he deserved it, too.

“After my parents not being overly interested in me and Maddie leaving to live her own life, he was the fourth person I loved and who left me. Sent me into a tailspin that lasted about eight years. Took therapy to get me out of that mindset of guilt. I told you about Buck 1.0. And then Abby came.”

Buck chokes up a little again, because he doesn’t really know how to go on. Telling Eddie the reason why he clung to the thought of a relationship, the thought of Abby for so long means he has to be honest about some other things as well. He’s not sure they are ready for it, though. But then Eddie lifts his head with a gentle finger and kisses him as if he knows that Buck needs this kind of reassurance now.

“And then Abby left and I felt lost again. Not as badly as before, though. Just a little because I was in love with her. But you… you showing up and standing there on your first day… I knew. As stupid and unbelievable as it sounds, I knew I was gone. Lost on you. But I also was still so twisted in Abby leaving me… it wasn’t a good combination.”

Eddie’s thumb against his jaw is distracting and so are his lips against his skin. Eddie’s leaving small pecks on his forehead, against his temple and when he pauses against his lips as well. They never turn deep, stay chaste and gentle. Just what Buck needs right now to finish what he wants to say.

“Yout turned out to be this perfect version of a human being.” 

Eddie is about to protest but Buck doesn’t let him get a word in. 

“No, let me say this. Please. It’s how I saw you. You fit in, everyone loved you from the beginning and I was so, so fucking attracted to you, that I couldn’t process. I felt threatened but by my own feelings. And then the misunderstanding… It was just so easy to use the grief over Abby to hide behind. To not deal with anything. To not letting myself give you a chance. But we got over that. But last night… Last night I.. I almost lost you. Lost someone again. You were almost gone… and this time, it hurt so much more. Because you didn’t want to leave. So I… I kinda lost it.”

“Jesus, Buck,” Eddie whispers brokenly, close to tears again himself.

“Told ya, I have issues.” Buck laughs through a new sob, hates that the tears just won’t stop and that he’s dragging Eddie down with him.

“No. No, you are dealing with life’s shitty cards and you are one of the strongest people I know. Fuck, you survived so many things and are still around, happy to try again.”

He’s never seen himself this way but maybe Eddie is on to something here. He is so tired of being dealt a shitty hand, so it’s high time that he gets to be lucky as well. And lying here with Eddie drying his tears, smiling softly with glassy eyes himself, it’s a kind of happiness Buck’s never had before.

“I love you. Have from day one and I feel so damn stupid for not realizing it. For hating myself so much that I shifted it towards you. But I love you Eddie and I hate the thought of ever losing you. I don’t understand how you can love someone so much that you want to die when they aren’t there anymore. But I… I did. Think that. And I wasn’t even scared. I just.. Eddie, I can’t…”

Eddie is there, kissing him with what feels like the purest form of want. It’s hard and deep and thorough. No finesse, all tongue and teeth and lips. It’s a claiming Buck’s never felt before and he loves it. It’s what he wants, what he needs and Eddie knows it. They twist and turn, end up with Eddie on top of Buck, arms framing his head, thighs boxing his hips in. 

“Fuck, Evan. You don’t have to. I… I’ll never let you again. Not if I can help it. Not voluntarily. You… I... I don’t… Dios, I can't even find the right words. I just know that I knew, too. That first day. I knew, too. I love you, too. I’m so in love with you that I don’t know how to do this but go all in.”

Buck goes all in then. Gets rid of their remaining clothes, has Eddie reach for lube and condoms and doesn’t let go for a long, long time. Gets claimed over and over again. Gets loved just as often

It’s not going to be perfect. There will be bumps and walls and roadblocks along the way. But they are going to figure it out together, just as Eddie said. They’ve finally gotten to a point where they can start something new from. A point from which they can build upon.

+++

And if their teammates interrogate them, tease them once they are back on shift, neither feels bothered too much by it. 

If they let them believe for the longest time that they were hiding behind pretended hate or rather dislike, they don’t feel bad about it. Because in the end it is, in a way, the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh wow! That's a wrap!  
> Not only for this trilogy but also for the "25 Days of Buck and Eddie"-Series. And honestly? I never thought I would manage this. I didn't think I could sit down, write 25 prompts and actually post them every day.  
> It was so much fun and I have some ideas to add more for certain stories in this series. 
> 
> But I really, really want to say Thank you to you all. You guys are awesome with all the love, the kuddos and the comments. I really appreciate every single way of support. And I know I am behind with answering comments now. But hey, it's Christmas, so I'll promise to get back to it later.  
> So yes, thank you all so much for keeping up with this little endeavor. ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> And so much love and hugs to A., who'll now be free of me... for at least a week or so.  
> ❤️  
> All remaining mistakes are of course mine.


End file.
